Dust off your banana boats Cleveland because another member of the infamous floating crew is coming to your city. Dwayne Wade has agreed to join the Cleveland Cavaliers and Lebron James could not be happier. Finally, he has his favorite member of Miami’s classic big 3 back by his side as Cleveland undoubtedly makes a run at another championship. But what will Dwayne Wade bring to this already stacked team? How will he help push them past the Golden State Warriors in what will inevitably be a finals rematch for the fourth year in a row? Newsflash: He won’t.


Dwayne Wade has done a lot of great things in his past besides marrying the Gabrielle Union. He won a championship without Lebron, he won two with Lebron and he even had time for a few sex parties in between. The former Heat star has shown moments of greatness every single season except for the last one in Chicago. He really decided to take it easy on himself and played I think four games all season. I don’t even think Dwayne Wade can run anymore. After 45 minutes of warming up, he might be able to put together a light jog from one end of the floor to the other.


What the Cavs should do, if they’re smart, is cryogenically freeze Dwayne WAde until the NBA Finals. That way he will have the best chance to remain healthy and keep his already completely destroyed body in the ragtag shape that it is right now that can kind of play basketball. Don’t get me wrong, I love Dwayne Wade. He has been one of the most exciting basketball players of his generation and even two seasons ago he was absolutely electric in the playoff series versus the Charlotte Hornets. He with his hands on his knees staring at the guy in the dumb purple bandana was one of my favorite sports moments I can remember in recent history.


But if you’re a fan of the Cavs then prepare for a lot of Dwayne Wade with his hands on his knees just staring. This guy does not have the stamina any longer to make it up and down the court for 82 games especially with Adam Silver trying to crack down on teams resting healthy players. If Dwayne Wade can’t rest about 83 games this season then he won’t be able to make it. Maybe this is Lebron just giving his friend a nice contract and he’s happy because he finally has someone to drink wine with or maybe he’s just getting sick of JR Smith. Either way, I don’t expect Dwayne Wade to have a major impact for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

I would love to see Dwayne Wade in the NBA Finals again because he has always been a clutch player but I don’t want to see him play like Deron Williams did last year in the playoffs because that was just sad. Lebron is keen on bringing in the oldest men around the league so watch out for the Cavs signing Uncle Drew and Grandmama.